In some way, my feelings for you has gotten back but not to its original extremity. I had love you before more than anyone else could have love you. So many things had been sacrificed by me just to be with you. So many instances you had wronged me but I always end up forgiving you.
But the last incident you have done which almost wrecked my family is unforgiveable. It also shattered my whole being and almost end up my own life for it was a transgression on my being me. You had me questioned my capability as a human. It was as if I was drained because of what you had done.
I thought then, that it was an offense which is impossible to forgive more so to forget. It took me two years to take you back and accept you as a human. Being apologetic means nothing to me. What I was thinking was how did you afford to do that and what made you made up your mind after all the languages you had directed on me.
It made my life turn around. Anger and hatred then lived in my heart and on my mind for you. It was very painful and no words can described how I felt for you then. I concluded you are just a piece of shit and has used me as your stepping stone to reach whatever was your goal in your miserable life.
But I also rethink that if you were just a piece of shit, then where did you get the courage to use other people just to get wherever you want? Ah, maybe a talented and wicked piece of shit. You were eaten by your delusion so that you dumped your family. Your worldly setting of your mind did it all.
You let other people eat you. You refused to believe however I explained things to you. You even use my insights to the person who cause your derailment. I call it derailment because you let other people control you. You even said I do not know you anymore which I corrected by saying it is you that cannot recognized or refused to recognize yourself. You were so disillusioned by that person. It was flesh greediness.
Behind all these, you were unaware that you were being played and used. Your belief was that that person was sincere and real. I pitied you but at the same time cursed you. I wanted you to live a miserable and meaningless life where all your friends and even acquaintances will laugh of your thoughtlessness and meaninglessness. I even considered you to spent the rest of your life in prison and I was determined to do that.
I was threatened by your family. I didn’t care for anyone that time. I was concentrating to get even with you. My heart was full of hatred and my mind agreed with it. I thought deeply how to make you pay the prize for the damage you have done on my whole being and to my family and I was determined to do that. No one can stop me for it was me who suffered and feel the pain.
Even if these things are now memories, it still bring pain whenever it come across to my mind. It always has that pinch feeling in my heart. Thankfully, I know how to handle and face it peacefully and squarely. As a compensation, I accept your apology (thinking that it would be for real this time) to free my mind those upsetting and heartbreaking you had intentionally inflicted on me.
In one corner of my mind, a whisper says I should not accept and forgive you but on another corner says I should forgive you so I can have peace of mind. Nevertheless, it is wise to forgive because it is the best gift I can give to myself. The burden is not mine anymore. I have learned that forgiving is letting go of all the stress and anxiety.
I learn to let go as this would allow my life undemanding and unproblematic. But as the saying goes “you can forgive but forgetting is difficult” proved to be true. Forgiving is easier than forgetting. Every time I heard, see or read articles of the same situation, that pinch is still there after all these years.
Therefore, whenever trust issue is involve in whatever kind of relationship, is hard to repair. However one makes oneself resolved, it always crops up. You doubt everything in that person’s actuations and statement. It is strenuous to accept in my mind to agree and to take their words. It is just a draining moment of my life.
But I am learning to accept with what and who you are not because I have to but I am forced to. I feel it that way because I always remind myself you are a creature created equally by our Creator, the Almighty. It is the only reason I always think of to free myself from all the anxieties you had done to the people around you especially your loved ones.
Sometimes, I am thinking that what I am fighting now is the ‘evil’ inside of me. Or is it? After all, we all pass this lifetime only once. So I decided to be at peace with everything happening around me.