Looking back, my childhood was not a very blessed one. My father has lost his great job when I was in grade school and haven’t had one since then. I was third from the eldest for eleven siblings (family planning has not yet reached my parent’s’ mind then). That was why my siblings and I were forced to do child domestic labor at our early age. We were assigned to different relatives to earn to help augment family’s needs then. I even stopped for two years after I graduated my grade school to work and to finance my high school. After I graduated high school, I had to work again in one of my relatives for my college this time. I called myself then a ‘working student’ (which somehow made me decent instead of a domestic helper).
It was in my college days that activism was a ‘trend’ and I was recruited to be one of them (since I was a writer in the college’ chronicle and a dean’s lister too). It was at this stage that my life has had a twist. I had never imagined that that twist will teach me hard lessons and somehow became a training ground for me to face life squarely.
Young as I was, I was paired by my comrades to our political organizer (that is how we call our group leader) whom we did not really know the real identity because all of us were using aliases. Being adventurous, I was tempted to enter into a relationship without emotional attachments (because it was one of the teachings then) that political ideology must be the basis of unity of people within the movement even in man-woman intimate relationship. Moreover, at that time, political organizers were hard-core that every neophyte salutes them. It was elation on my part to have a partner being in the hard-core level (!) Because as they were saying, ideology is the strongest foundation of whatever a relationship you were in. I believe it, then. I did not have any single doubt on ideologies of the organization.
The relationship worked for a while (when we were still with the organization). However, when I gave birth to my first child, and we both left the movement, dilemma begun attacking between us. It was also at this point in time that his true personality has revealed to me. It was a disgusting experience!
I never doubted that the relationship would not work because we were from the same frame. I even did not entertain the fact that I was very sorry for the relationship (due to the absence of emotional attachments) but instead said to myself that I will have to work it out. I have to prove to myself that I did not make a mistake in my decision.
It was too late when I realized that I could not work out the relationship all by myself. I came to the realization that this was a two-way traffic matter and it takes two to tango as a saying goes. Indeed, however effort I made to make the relationship work (after 14 years), it failed. And I should make myself clear that only the relationship has failed. Me as a person does not. In fact, it helped me a great deal.
I have always said to myself not to entertain any doubt because this will mess up all my positive thoughts and plans. lt will affect my way of struggle in life. Yes, I call it struggle because it is the way I have live my life. This is what life has offered me.
Most importantly, never doubt your capacity as an individual.